A Reflection on May 2008

The question may be "Where have you been?" Well as you can see by the dates on the posts I had created drafts for the blog but they never were finished. I hit a tough spot in May. May 2008 had represented lot of change in my life. May 2008 was also one of the more difficult and stressful times of my life. The last couple months have been a lot of reflection on that and while I am thankful that the Lord brought me out of it I would never want to go back there. Physically I am still in recovery mode. I was in a hit and run accident on May 3, 2008, while on the way to see my grandpa Simon who was on hospice care. Due to the circumstances of his death only days later, my impending move, trying to get my condo packed up and leased out, having to move my start date for my new job and and an insurance company that was entirely insensitive to my situation, I never received the treatment and care I needed. That in itself is an ongoing situation. Then not sleeping for months, a new job with a 140 mile round trip commute in an entirely rural community and feeling exhausted all the time was too much. I thank God I finally found a doctor that told me something more than "seizure meds make you tired." I was 26. It was not normal to be that physically exhausted all the time. More than a year later now with the oral steroids and the supplements I am doing much better with the adrenal insufficiency diagnosis I received.

I think about my Grandpa Simon every day but as I was approaching May 2009 and the day that he had passed away I felt it more acutely. I was not in the place to write about it or necessarily even talk about it. I look back and realize I did not get to grieve for him because I was trying to pick up and start a whole new life. In grief you surround yourself with your family, close friends and put yourself in an environment you are comfortable with. Instead I had no family and friends, a temporary living situation and a new job. I had no comfort other than Eric. There were times early in our marriage I would come home crying because I had spent the last hour driving and thinking about grandpa Simon. I am grateful for my faith at that time. I am incredibly grateful in my assurance that my grandfather was a Christian because his death was not the end. I often remind myself that my sadness is selfish because for him to live was Christ but to die was gain. My grandpa no longer suffers. He has no pain. He no longer deals with "quality of life" issues. I am so blessed and privileged to say that Simon Sybrandy was my grandfather. He was a godly and Christ-like man. I am able to say that by emulating him that I can emulate Christ. That is an awesome thing to say about someone. He was quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry, he was incredibly dignified, his yes was a yes and his no was a no, he was loving husband and father, a devoted church goer and member. He was humble and well aware of his need of grace. I will remember the way he prayed. When I cry these days it is because of happy memories. I marvel at the care and attention that my grandmother showed him for more than a decade as he battled cancer that brought on contingent health issues. I never heard her complain just resolutely state what needed to be done. I often did hear her reference her vows and how she wanted to take care of grandpa. I saw her cry when he would be really ill because of her great love for him and her sadness at losing him. I think that is what was the hardest-- seeing my grandmother tell him good bye. Again I am so grateful for such a tangible learning lesson on active, sacrificial love and what real commitment is. When I walked down the aisle and said my vows to Eric only a couple months later I was very cognizant of the long term implications of what my vows were because I had seen them fleshed out in my grandparents. I thank God for the legacy of faith that I have in my family.