Mourning with Those Who Mourn

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." -Romans 12:15

The day after I arrived in Southern California, I received some very sad news regarding our church family.  An e-mail from one of our pastors was sent out to our church body informing everyone that a young woman in our church had suddenly passed away.  She was a young teenager and in my mind more of a child than anything.  The shock and pain are great.  Her parents are dear people who are strong Christians.  It is hard to imagine the pain that they are in but I am thankful for the hope that I know that they have.  My mind goes to memories that I have of her and how her mom always beamed with pride when she spoke of her.  I see her heading out for the Youth Conference with the rest of the young people from our church this past summer.  There are so many that are feeling this loss so deeply.

The last few days have been great visiting with family but at the same time my heart has felt heavy as I remember my church family in their time of mourning. Dozens and dozens of times a day my mind remembers the family and their loss.  I remember Paul's exhortation to pray without ceasing and it is an easy burden to carry at this time.  Praying is all that I can do right now.  It is hard to be away from my church family and not be able to physically be there to mourn with those who mourn.  I rest in knowing that the Lord carries their burden and that He is surrounding them with people that care deeply.  It has made me squeeze my little ones a little bit tighter the past few days and has encouraged me in patience when I get frustrated and weary.  Our lives are a vapor.  In the years to come, my children will grow up and have to face the hardships of the world.  It struck me that right now they are so free from the many burdens this life presents to us.  I need to cherish the present, love my children wholly and thank the Lord for each and every day that I have with them.  I am not guaranteed a tomorrow with them. 

These are hard things to think upon--loss, death and eternity. It makes me reflect on the hope that I have in Christ.  It makes me realize that this young woman's death may be the catalyst for many young people in our church coming to know the Lord.  It makes me thankful for a loving Heavenly Father that works good for those who love Him even when our finite human minds cannot fathom how that could be the case. 

FAQ #6

So where does the name Matthias come from?  What made you decide on that?

For those that have been keeping up on the blog this past year, although there have not been that many posts, you know that the early part of my pregnancy with Matthias was really difficult.  As the pregnancy progressed, the anxiety never really left me and I had to really submit the outcome of everything to the Lord.  I just really had to focus on God's character and that He does all things well.  Eric and I had a hard time coming up with another boy name.  We were well into the third trimester and while we had slowly whittled down the potential name list, we had nothing settled upon.  Eric had major pull when it came to naming the twins so I told him that I needed to have the deciding factor this time.  One name I ran across in a search for classic, traditional or Biblical names was Matthias which means "Gift of God."  I knew Matthias was the apostle that replaced Judas but I had not known the meaning.  I thought it was perfect and a happy compromise to another of my favorites, Tobias, which means "God is good." I liked that Matthias was not common but still had familiarity as a Biblical name.  I thought he could also call himself Matt down the road if he so chose. We had the name Theodore on our short list as well which was the name of  Eric's maternal grandfather.  I was afraid that if we named our son Theodore that people would think we were major narcissists that projected world leaders' names onto our children.  We then would have the names of two American presidents and a prime minister in our family.  So Theodore became a middle name and in God's perfect sovereignty it also means "God's good gift."  Our Matthias is truly a good gift given to us by our Lord.  His birth has been an incredible spiritual blessing for me as I have reflected on God's kindness and faithfulness to our family.

Baby Model

Five Years

Yep, I am still around.  I am more than 36 weeks pregnant and have been too busy either nesting or in a pure state of exhaustion to follow through with blogging. But it is my anniversary today and I want to write about that because it inspires me.  Five years of marriage to my Eric.  Our life is far from perfect but we do know that we are incredibly blessed.

Photo credit- Bobby Earle Photography

On Facebook this past week, I had several friends post an article entitled God Loves Odd Couples.  The article discusses how God delights in making marriages thrive that do not seem to make sense to an outside world.  The one line "He loves couples where the husband loves hunting and the wife is a vegetarian" hit home because that was us.  I remember when Eric first started calling me and we were getting to know one another, thinking "I do not have anything in common with this guy that loves hunting, fishing, MMA and lives in rural Nevada."  He was not my type and I was not really his.  Yet God has blessed our union and we continue to grow more alike as the time passes on.  My husband thrives on vegetarian food and feels great eating that way while I now eat meat a couple times a week because I need it metabolically. People cautioned Eric that I was independent and career minded and five years later I am a stay at home mom. I do not think I could be too much more dependent and vulnerable than that.  I like that God has a sense of humor, that He sees things through His infinite wisdom far better than you or I could ever imagine.  I like knowing He made my love story to sanctify me and make me more like Him. 

Photo credit-Bobby Earle Phtography

Five years is still not very much time but it feels like we are out the baby stage of marriage.  We have been through career changes, injury and sickness, losing loved ones, buying a home, new parenthood (times two) and looking forward to the arrival of our new little one.  We continue to change and grow but it is always closer together rather than farther apart. Our pastor introduced me to a quote by Deitrich Bonhoeffer a few years back: "It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love."  How perfect, right?  I made a covenant with my best friend five years ago today and through that promise to one another and our Lord, we continue to grow in love.  God is good and He is faithful.

He loves couples where the husband loves hunting and the wife is a vegetarian. - See more at: http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2013/08/god-loves-odd-couples.html#sthash.M0G8PRJJ.dpuf

He loves couples where the husband loves hunting and the wife is a vegetarian. - See more at: http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2013/08/god-loves-odd-couples.html#sthash.M0G8PRJJ.dpuf

He loves couples where the husband loves hunting and the wife is a vegetarian. - See more at: http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2013/08/god-loves-odd-couples.html#sthash.M0G8PRJJ.dpuf

Heart Melting

My little Bubbas enjoy singing lately and I decided to capture their sweet little voices. Please just try to ignore my voice and focus on their sweetness.

Christmas Morning

I am FINALLY getting some updates in for Christmas.  I just have not been in a blogging mood lately.  Have you ever had that?  I think part of it is the emotional let down after the holidays are over.  It was such a special time for our family these last several weeks and now the decorations are taken down and it is back to the normal routine.

We had a nice low key Christmas.  Eric was off work for Christmas Eve which was really nice because we got to have an extra family day.  We just hung around the house and started working on making ladyfingers for our Christmas tiramisu.  Later in the afternoon, we headed out to pick up some last minute items at the store and then went to the Christmas Eve service at our church.  Christmas morning we slept in as late as the boys would let us and prepared french toast and bacon for breakfast.  As you can imagine, the boys love when they get breakfasts like that.  Afterwards we opened presents and continued to hang out at home until we headed over to Eric's parents' house to celebrate with the whole family. 

They totally love the fake fireplace thing for the TV.  They tell us "Fire...hot" and even stand back from it like it is dangerous.

Disney movie in the stocking!

They were more interested in playing with the rocking horse than opening presents.

They quickly became more interested in ripping off the paper.

They love that they can draw as much as they want and I love that there is no mess!

I love this thing and have used it everyday since Christmas.

Playing with their new cash register.  Winston is wearing papa's new hat.

We were not planning on doing too much by way of presents this year but we had a generous family member give us cash so we could buy the boys some things.   It made the whole shopping process a lot of fun because we could buy things we would not have otherwise. It was a special Christmas and we loved getting to experience it through our little ones' eyes.  In all of it, our Christmas was not about the presents but the celebration of Emmanuel coming into this world.  We are so thankful for our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Unpleasant But Glorious Truths

Several weeks ago I was getting the boys ready to be put down for their afternoon nap. Until recently we had a book shelf in their nursery and Abraham managed to pull down a picture Bible that the boys had received for Christmas.  I started reading a couple stories to them and was admiring the colorful and beautiful illustrations.  After reading the creation account and about Noah's Ark, I quickly skimmed the contents of the rest of the book.  I reached the story entitled "Jesus is Crucified."  I hate to admit it but my initial gut reaction was, "Well, that is pretty unpleasant for a children's book."  I caught myself immediately and pondered how truly unpleasant the gospel is to our worldly sensibilities. We live in a culture that seeks to sanitize the gospel, to season it and make it more palatable...and well, more pleasant.  The gospel however is about the tortuous death of God in the flesh, Christ Jesus, for the sins of those He came to save.  The gospel calls out that we are sinners deserving of condemnation. It puts a spotlight on our sin nature and because of our pride, we chafe at this label. The gospel is ultimately glorious because it has power.  It shows that Christ's death was not in vain. It shows that God in His sovereignty provided the perfect mediator between His righteous self and sinful humanity; the power to not only remove our sin but to impute Christ's righteousness unto us so that we can truly be called the friends of God.  

I will admit that at times (okay, more often than not) that I shy away from the gospel message.  "I cannot tell that person that they are a sinner in need of a Savior.  They will feel judged and who do I think I am to do so?"  Well, I am a fellow sinner that is also married to a sinner and raising little sinners.  I know the power of the gospel in my own life.  Why then do I hide these glorious truths?  I hide because Satan whispers in my ear that I will look foolish, that people will not like me as much if I become a Bible thumper and it is much more comfortable to try to fit in. The reality is that the gospel is foolishness to those whose hearts are closed to it. 

I wrote earlier this week about how we had taken part in a child dedication service with Abraham and Winston.  With Good Friday being upon us, I am thinking even more about the responsibility that Eric and I have to share the gospel with our sons.  We cannot only share it with our words but they need to see it in our lives. It was quite apropos that before Eric left on his current work trip that we got to read about Jesus not only being crucified but about His miraculous resurrection, the resurrection that represents the glory of the gospel. We got to read the Easter story as a family during the Holy Week.  I do not want to just share Bible stories with our sons in a way that lets them think of them as fables, little stories that have a nice moral at the end. I do not want to just share pretty pictures but rather I want them to know the power of the gospel.

Last year we went to the Good Friday service with our two newborns in tow. I was beyond exhausted, the kind of tired where you just feel ill and regret venturing out. I remember having a break down later that night when the first little guy woke up for a feeding. I just needed sleep and I was feeling angry and resentful towards my little son. I remember Christ using that squalling baby to strip me of my self-reliance yet once again.  I needed Jesus. God used my sons to give me a greater picture of what He had accomplished on the cross.  Christ truly sacrificed himself and therefore fulfilled his Father's will. I am only beginning to understand sanctification and self-sacrifice. The gospel is more than pleasant; it is beautiful because Jesus is my Lord.

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, 
but to us

 who are being saved it is the power of God. 1 Corinthians 1:18

Child Dedication

Yesterday at church we had a child dedication service.  Eric and I made a public covenant to raise our children in the fear and admonition of the Lord and to do all we can to encourage a vibrant, living relationship with Christ.  The congregation likewise made a covenant to support us in cultivating a Christ like environment for our children and to encourage our children in their spiritual development. By doing so we do not believe that we can "save" our children but rather that we have a calling and responsibility to do everything within our power to be a living example of Christ's love.  The Holy Spirit calls out to His children.  It is our prayer that we can be the messengers of the gospel.

Making a public covenant over a child is not foreign to me because I was raised in a paedobaptist denomination, specifically the Christian Reformed Church. Our church that we are members of, and therefore are in agreement with, believes that baptism is an outward expression of inward regeneration.  Only professing believers are therefore baptized.  It is definitely is a sober and serious calling as a Christian parent to raise children.  

Eric is heading this out this week on a business trip and will not be here for Easter Sunday unfortunately so it was great getting this family photo for this special day in our lives. 

To our sons, we pray for you every day. The greatest joy we could have as parents is to see you walking with the Lord.  In the years to come when you come across these writings, we pray you will look back on your childhood and judge us to be faithful to our calling.  We are sinners and we will fail in loving you both perfectly but it is our utmost desire that you will find Christ beautiful through our example. 

Choosing Joy

The days go by so quickly now.  It's a blur of diaper changes, meal times, kitchen clean up, trying to accomplish household tasks and striving for more sleep.  The last several weeks in our house presented the boys coming down with their first respiratory and ear infections.  After a course of antibiotics, they looked and acted like they felt so much better. I was fighting the virus off at the same time.  Sickness and the seemingly ever present teething baby has meant interrupted nights. I felt like it was back to the days of having newborns when I saw every hour on the clock. Eric was gone for almost two weeks straight on a business trip.  My whole being felt weary in the morning as I tried to drag myself out of bed.  Blogging required energy and of which I had none. 

This is not a grumbling post however.  The Lord has been faithful in giving me encouragement in my day to day tasks whether it is from a bit of Scripture popping into mind, a book I am reading or sweet moments with my family. A couple Sundays ago our sermon was on how a complaining and grumbling spirit tells the world that the gospel is a lie.  If we have the hope of heaven how can we grumble about life's everyday "frustrations"?  The gospel itself puts all things into their proper context.  Life is hard because we are sinners in a fallen world but there is still so much goodness within to be thankful for.  Thankfulness and joy can be a choice. I have been thinking on this choice and grateful for the moments God gives me to buoy my spirit and keep me marching on.  In the big picture I have seen:

 

Abraham and Winston learning to wave and to say hi.  The look of pride on their face when they know they have used it in the proper context is priceless.

Baby boys proudly clapping his hands when you ask them to do so.

Brothers playing nicely together, laughing together and genuinely enjoying one another. 

Baby boys beaming when they see and hear their papa over the iPhone on Facetime. 

Winston gently touching Abraham's face and Abraham reciprocating by giving Winston

a hug (more like a head grab) during a 3 a.m. feeding during their yucky sickness time. 

Asking the boys, "Where's brother?" and having them smile when they see one another. 

 Abraham calling Winston 'baba.'

Baby boys figuring out they can delay nap time by having happy shriek contests and

 "conversations" with one another across their cribs.

Baby boys mastering the pincer grasp and wanting to be more independent

and feed themselves more finger foods. 

'Mum-mum-mums' coming over the baby monitor to let me know they are

 done with their nap. 

Baby boys learning more self-control and to listen when mom is telling them

something they need to do (or not do).

Smart boys figuring out to say 'da-da' when they do not like what mom is doing e.g. wiping their faces after a meal.  Now mind you, the part that brings me joy is that they understand that their papa is there for them as well and not that they are trying to get out of the thing they do not like. 

Boys learning to crawl faster and faster and pull up on things.  Their curiousity and

constant discovery of the world is amazing. 

The boys sleeping through the night again (for the most part) and waking up

 in happy moods. 

 

 Abraham snuggled up with Papa and ready for bed.

Winston is figuring out to take away things too.

My baby boys are not going to be babies for too much longer.  I am trying to savor and absorb these little moments I get to have with them.  Next month I am going to have toddlers.  Everyone says it goes by fast and it does.  I am loving where we are right now.  It does not mean that the day to day is easy but there is so much joy mixed in. 

 

The Big 3-0

I am thirty years old now.

Yesterday I entered a new decade. I pretty much reconciled this birthday last year already with turning twenty-nine and the impending arrival of our babies.  My twenty-ninth year was an amazing year of personal and spiritual growth. Giving birth to twins will tend to do that to someone.  I have grown (and continually grow) in patience and self-control.  There is nothing like looking at two cranky babies and realizing that how I react will be a lesson to them in how to behave. 

This is what my life at thirty looks like:

The day to day activities in my life are by no means glamorous but my life is spectacular nonetheless. I am married to the love of my life. We have two vibrant and beautiful children. We have a home together--a place of messes and meals where we can nurture our family. I am part of a church that has become family and where I get to hear the Word of God faithfully preached. I have friends and family in my life that love me.  I want for nothing physically and I am more privileged than the majority of the people in the world.  I am supremely blessed.

Over the weekend I got to have an awesome date night with my husband and a dinner party with Eric's family (where the lovely pics came from).  On my actual birthday however it was an ordinary day.  Well, the boys actually had a not so good day.  I am not sure if they are fighting a cold or if it is just new teeth trying to come in again.  Somehow the day seemed very apropos though because being a wife and mother is indeed my calling.  I got to celebrate by cherishing what I have despite those outbursts by A&W mixed in. 

My youth as categorized by society may be fading or some may even say it is gone but I think I am just entering my prime.  I have a lot to look forward to so I am greeting my thirties with a smile. 

A Special Baby Shower

Every baby shower is obviously special because it represents a new little one coming into the world.  Over the weekend though I had the privilege of organizing a special baby shower for my friend Lissette and her little bundle of joy.  Lissette and her husband Ed recently adopted a beautiful baby boy. 

For any of those who have spent time reading my blog, you know that adoption is near and dear to my heart.  I love adoption because God loves adoption (James 1:27).  I love adoption because it represents my faith--that God loved me and adopted me as his child when I was even more helpless than a newborn.  I was dead in my sin but God chose to love me as a child (Ephesians 1:5).  I love adoption because I love babies and children.  I hurt for the barren woman.  I want to see little ones in the arms of parents who love them and care for them.

My friend Lissette has seen the desires of her heart fulfilled in the face of her little Lucas.  In Lissette's words, having a baby does not look like she had imagined but it is even better.  Seriously, her baby is gorgeous. He has the sweetest face and roundest cheeks I have ever seen on a newborn.

The shower was held at our church and we had a great turn out.  Lissette is from the Dominican Republic so many of her family members could not make it but lots of her in-laws were able to make it from out of town and out of state.  Lucas' nursery theme has little cars and automotive stuff so I planned the decorations with that in mind.  Forgive the bad photos. Since I was hosting, I was not able to focus a lot on taking pictures.

 The guest of honor--Mr. Lucas being held by his grandma.

 My dear friend Lissette and me.

Our friend Kaycee that also helped with the shower.

 My first attempt at party poofs.

 The cake turned out great!

A brunch buffet.

 

Finality

Tomorrow is my last day at my job.  I have been packing up and clearing my desk since last week.  I had lunch today with a group of coworkers that wanted to send me off.  I have been saying my good-byes as I see people.  It is all so final. 

I am really excited about spending more time with my boys, focusing more on my husband and getting more things done around the house.  I just know that it is going to take me a little while to get into a new routine.  The first week I will probably feel like I am on vaction and by week two will be wondering if I should be checking in with my boss.  It is a weird tumble of emotions right now.  I don't always like change. I don't like feeling like I am leaving things behind.  Intellectually I am full steam ahead but emotionally I am trying to reconcile things.  Pride can cause us to think that we are indispendable, that we are the progenitors of our roles whatever they may be.  As a stay at home mom I know I am not going to be hearing, "You just did great work" or "What you just did was really important" from my two babies. The reality is that I am truly going to be doing great work, doing important things, in the lives of my children.  There may not be recognition of that from them for many years to come (or never) and that's okay.  Everything we do is done before the Lord so I do it for Him and not for myself. 

Every time I hear this song on Christian radio, it reminds me that whether I am a working mom or a stay at home mom, I do every little thing for the glory of God. We can all use this little reminder at times:

Loving and Correcting

I recently talked about our beliefs when it comes to children, sin and salvation.  The first several months of being first time parents to twins is pure survival mode. We had no clue how to get the babies into a routine and were so exhausted.  Now that having two babies is part of our normal routine, as well as seeing their little personalities develop, there is a greater burden and sense of needing to teach our children.  I was recently asked in an e-mail if we were already disciplining.  I think the question was supposed to be more of a joke but the answer is actually yes.  I hope that's not too shocking but let me explain. 

Everyone knows that newborns have no sense of self-control.  Their innate sense is to cry to let you know their needs.  They will keep crying until they get those needs met with no sense of who is doing it.  As a child ages however, they have an understanding that it is mom and dad that meets their needs.  This can turn into manipulation via temper tantrums and whining.  Mom and dad want the temper tantrum or whining to stop so they give the child immediate gratification.  The child knows how to work mom and dad and they are the ones actually in control of the parent-child relationship.  Abraham and Winston are at the stage where they understand routine and consistency.  They are used to eating at certain times of the day, having nap times and going to bed at an appointed hour.  They do not however always agree with what we have planned for them.  Recently we have been getting more temper tantrums from the boys.  They understand the word 'no' because we reinforce it.  One thing they do that drives me nuts is when they wake up from a nap after a certain amount of time and flip out that I go to change their diaper.  They want to either eat or play, not be laid down for a diaper change.  Of course I prevail and get it done.  First tactic to reduce the tantrum is distraction.  I talk to them, sing to them, tickle them, etc. so that they do not go on.  Sometimes they insist on doing it though and that is when I tell them no.  I will wait for them to calm down so that I can finish rather than fighting against them.  I tell them as I am waiting that they need to calm down.  I explain that they are making the task they do not like last even longer.  We believe that correcting is discipline.  We believe that child training is discipline.  Discipline can have this connotation of being things like time outs or spanking but it's all the things we do to train our children out of love for them.  We can either reinforce good or bad behaviors.  Discipline has to be age appropriate obviously and right now we are working on what 'no' is as a foundation to build upon. 

Now here is where I say that while we may have these convictions, we are first time parents and learning every day (or at least are trying to) how we should go about this.  Parenting is the most humbling and sanctifying experience.  I think about how we have two first borns to potentially screw up and it's terrifying.  This where prayer comes in and pleading for lots of grace to go about things in the right way.  I think about this journey all the time and what it entails.  Eric and I discuss the appropriate way to go about correcting the boys.  There are so many variables.  If the boys are cranky because they are tired and it has been us that has extended them past a nap time then that responsibilty falls on us and not them.  Same goes for them being hungry or feeling ill.  It's tough gauging what the issue truly is sometimes that is causing the bad behavior.  Regardless though they need to learn that they cannot scream out of frustration or because they are not feeling well.  And sometimes I am just tired of listening to it so I give in.  I pick up the toy they dropped for the umpteenth time because I don't want to listen to the whining anymore. 

The thing that is so scary for me to think about is that it is never going to get any easier.  These boys are going to change and grow and the problems with them.  It is all so humbling.  I need to remember that we are not doing this out of sheer resolve on our own but instead relying on God to help us.  We are the guardians to these children that we have been entrusted with and ultimately are just trying to take the best care of them that we can.  I know I am a sinner and that I am going to fail.  Praise be to God that He is gracious and forgiving. 

If you're wondering what inspired this post, we had a very cranky child (cough...Winston) all day again that really tested our patience.  I was thinking about how I am going to need to grow in patience in order to be a good parent.  So all this heaviness needs some lightness.  Here is a video of the boys today.  This would be using distraction, overcoming whining with giggles:

Children, Sin and Salvation

This morning our church hosted a childhood conversion seminar.  Even though Eric got in late last night, he got up with me and we went to the seminar with the boys.  The premise of it was evangelizing to our children.  We know through Scripture that man is born into sin.  It can be hard to look at our little babies and realize that they were born into iniquity (Psalm 51:5).  We also know through Scripture that the Holy Spirit is the one that changes our hearts and allows us to see Christ as more desirable and beautiful than our sin (2 Thess. 2:13).  The gospel cannot transform without a clear presentation however and that is where the duty of the parent comes in to teach their children.  The primary point was that the first way we teach our children the gospel is through example in our own lives.  I felt really convicted when the speaker asked if we thought we were the godliest people in our children's lives.  I cannot confidently say that I am.  I can think of lots of great examples that our children have but it made me more determined to be the person that I want my children to become.  A lot of techniques were discussed such as bible reading, memorization, catechizing, media resources. etc.  The seminar touched on what genuine conversion was and that if our children make a profession at an early age to foster and encourage that.  The litmus test so to speak with conversion is that time alone will show if that child has the genuine fruits of repentance.  We cannot encourage our children in easy believism--that a prayer recited will save them without the genuine heart change behind it.  It was all good stuff that I had thought about before but becomes a lot more real when I ponder needing to teach the gospel to my own children.

When Eric and I were still expecting our twin boys, we were given the book Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp.  We really enjoyed the book and it was a great conversation tool when it came to discussing parenting approaches.  The book emphasizes that the last thing we want to impress upon our children is moralism.  It can be so easy in trying to teach and train good behavior in our children to fail to address the heart issues behind them.  This then teaches children to simply conform on the outside while their heart remains dark.  We do not need little Pharisees that love rules and know how to stick to them yet have hearts like white washed tombs.  It's our sacred duty as parents to teach our children that their sin is bad because it grieves their Heavenly Father and not only because their bad behavior will get them punished by mom and dad.

We pray for our children daily.  We know that we can provide Abraham and Winston every comfort on this earth but that if we fail to teach them their need for a Savior that we will have failed  miserably.  We will not only have failed our children but sinned against them and our God.  Ultimately we need lots and lots of grace.  We need grace to live lives that exemplify Christ and demonstrate His love.  We need grace to show our children that we need repentance just as much as they do and follow through on that by asking their forgiveness when we sin against them.  We need grace to follow through on spiritual disciplines such as Scripture reading and prayer that will help teach our children about God's love.  We need grace to implement discipline techniques that are effective but don't embitter our children (Col. 3:21).  We need grace to have the words to say when questions are asked and doubts are shared.  Ultimately we cannot transfer our faith to our children but we can be faithful in evangelizing to them.

Looking Forward to Sand Castles

"Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."   - C.S. Lewis

One of the many paradoxes of the Christian faith is that we are to seek to be content in all things, considering every situation good according to God's perfect will, yet have a faith that God can move mountains and change our situation in a dramatic way.  I can clearly remember driving to work in the last week of August and feeling tired.  I remember feeling like I was always tired and wondered if there was ever going to be a time in my life when I was not tired again.  Working full time and still waking up quite frequently with the boys at night, I saw the pretty sunrise over the Pine Nut Mountains and was reminded that the Lord's mercies are new every morning.  He was going to give me the grace and mercy to get through one more day.  He was going to give me what I needed to get through however long I needed to balance full time work and full time mommyhood.  Then I remembered C.S. Lewis's quote above. 

"Lord, am I so focused on survival, grinning and bearing it, seeking to be content, that I am not remembering that you can change this situation at any moment?  Am I seeking to love mud pies when you want me to realize you have the power to transform them into sand castles?" 

And with that I thought about how God had the power to do anything but that ultimately He was good in whatever He did.  I remembered that He gives us the ability to do difficult things.  I focused on the joy He could and does bring me. That same week Eric got a job offer.  I was floored.  It's not too often that we get to see God's will so clear and absolute.  Then that same day Eric got fired from a company he had been with for nearly thirteen years.  I was listening very intently now.  There was a sense of confusion especially for poor Eric but ultimately I felt at peace.  I saw God moving.  How could I not feel peace? Eric started his new job three weeks ago.  We were so excited because we knew the possibility was there.  We looked at our budget and the numbers worked. 

I gave notice at work this week.  On Thanksgiving Day I will spend my first official day as a stay at home mom.  I like working.  I find it fulfilling but it is nothing compared to the fulfillment that my children bring me.  I don't have to work full time any longer.  I don't have to spend my days feeling guilty that someone else is caring for my babies.  I don't have to be tired all the time and struggle to fill so many different hats. My ultimate dream is happening. 

I am crying because God actually wanted me to see the sand on the shore instead of making mud pies.  He did not have to do that.  He still would have been just as good and righteous in His will if I stayed working full time for the rest of my life.  I had forgotten His power.  If He can do little things like this that change my life so dramatically, I cannot even fathom what He accomplished through the cross.  Why is this all happening now exactly? I don't know.  His ways are far above my ways.  But I do know that it leaves me humbled and determined to never take it for granted that I get to spend these precious little years with my boys. 

Soli Deo Gloria.

Different Kind of Day

I was planning on doing a little chirpy 'Random Friday' post yesterday and giving some brief updates on the boys' teething, new things they are learning and some things about Eric and me as well (because the blog originally had stuff about us and not just babies).  Yesterday was a weird day however and it took the wind out of my sails.  The good news is that I did get out of the funk I was in earlier in the week and was able to end the week well.  Our babysitter's daughter had a virus so we had to get creative with our work schedules for the week to cover child care.  Fortunately their grammy Guddat covered a day, I worked from home on Thurs. and we each took a half day yesterday so that A&W were well taken care of.  I got home at lunch time so that Eric was able to go in for the afternoon.  He had great news for me and I was a happy little camper for the afternoon.  The boys were pretty fussy after their naps. Let's just be honest, they were screaming at moments but I was not deterred because I was determined to be in a good mood.  Then Eric called me at the end of his work day and he told me bad news.  It was like a sucker punch.  I am not trying to be cryptic and will happily share when it's time but to do so now would be acting on emotion rather than rationality. Proverbs says that a woman without discretion is like a gold ring in a pig's snout (11:22).  Fantastic imagery right? And I don't want to be that woman so I am going to process stuff for a while longer.  I can say that I am immensely proud of my husband and the type of person that he is--loyal and hard working. 

It was the oddest day of our married life.  It was not the worst day, not the hardest day just...confusing.  A high to low to asking the Lord what is happening to us right now.  God is faithful and we are all well.  Our marriage is strong. Babies are healthy.  Eric and I are healthy.  We need to just keep truckin' along.  We would appreciate your prayers right now.  We really need wisdom in helping raise our little family. 

On a funnier note, we tried to take A&W in to take some photos today.  A co-worker had a daughter that got hired by a local studio and she needed babies as models.  It was free for the sitting so we thought it would be fun.  Not.fun.at.all.  The boys did not nap well this a.m. and they were really fussy (read screaming at times).  I think we lasted ten minutes at the studio and told the sweet high schooled age photographer that it was not going to work and headed home. So with getting ready and the drive it was a waste of three hours.  And that is life with two babies, totally unpredictable. Maybe it was not funny per se but in a situation like that it's necessary to keep one's humor.  I could just see the proofs of the few pictures they took in my head--smiling mom and dad and two crying babies. 

Hope you all are having a fantastic weekend!

One of Those Weeks

There are some weeks where life seems to cruise along and you’re in the rhythm of things. You get into a routine, you know what needs to get done and you get out there and conquer it. Then there are weeks like this one…yeah, one of those. The type of week where every little thing gets more complicated than it should, you get kind of grumpy and the worst part—you’re not sure what the actual problem is or how to fix it. The last couple days I have been struggling to find my joy amidst the everyday frustrations of life. Stuff that normally does not bother me has gotten me irritated. The kid that peed on me right after I had changed the outfit he spit up on? Eh, no big deal. Kids do that. But this week it was wearing me down.

I think I am over the hump today. Perfect being that it’s Hump Day.

Satan is smart. He knows when we are in a good place. He knows when we are happy, grateful and growing in our faith. He waits for us to let our guard down and then he moves in. He wants us to curse our blessings and only focus on the “bad” stuff in our lives. Our sin skews our perception of what an actual problem is and, trust me, I am the queen of this. I get very much into control and lose sight of what matters at times. For example, my house is never going to be as organized and clean as I want it to be until A&W are actually able to start contributing with chores. But God is not going to love me more if I have an immaculate home; rather He wants me to put aside how that goal becomes idolatrous at times.

So I am going to focus on my blessings which I find is always the best way to get out of these types of funks. And I have two amazing blessings in my little boys:



Winston's wide eyed looks.



Abraham and one of his little grins.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Selective Reduction of Twins: A Personal Response to the NYT Article

The recent New York Times’ article “The Two-Minus-One Pregnancy” by Ruth Padawer covers the increasing frequency of women undergoing selective reduction from a twin pregnancy to a singleton pregnancy after utilizing fertility treatments to conceive. This is not a complete argument and rebuttal against selective reduction or abortion because the ridiculousness of a woman terminating a pregnancy after purposefully and knowingly undergoing fertility treatments that increase her chance of having multiples I believe speaks for itself; rather I am speaking from a personal place and a more visceral response.

It has been less than a year since a routine ultrasound at approximately eleven weeks into my pregnancy revealed two tiny babies in my uterus. My husband Eric and I were astounded to see and hear two little heartbeats and see four sets of limbs moving back and forth. We understand the fear, uncertainty and anxiety that come with finding out that one is having twins. However, I cannot comprehend the selfishness that it takes to abort one of your own children, and not the other, in order to maintain desired financial and social comfort. The NYT article is not talking about terminating a pregnancy due to failed contraception, birth defects and cases of incest and rape—the mainstays we hear about in the abortion debate. We are talking about women killing babies they tried very purposefully to conceive.

The problem with pro-choice rhetoric is that “choice” is supposed to leave us with more freedom but instead burdens us with increasing ethical dilemmas of making said choices. A bioethicist named Josephine Johnston, whose focus is assisted reproduction at the Hastings Center in Garrison, N.Y., is quoted in the article as saying, “In an odd way, having more choices actually places a much greater burden on women, because we become the creators of our circumstance, whereas, before, we were the recipients of them. I’m not saying we should have less choices; I’m saying choices are not always as liberating and empowering as we hope they will be.” I think it is common grace that so many people claiming to espouse pro-choice views are expressing discomfort with and actively debating this topic. The article addresses the guilt that the parents feel in choosing to terminate one of their unborn twin babies and the need to conceal their decision from family and friends. I think that the guilt and subsequent concealment of their action speaks volumes as to how repugnant selective reduction is; these people are working to silence the screams of their consciences. To abort one’s child is simply wrong and I believe a grave sin tantamount to murder.

My twin boys are only five months old. I am often asked how their little personalities are already different. There are nuances in their behavior, different preferences and so forth but at this stage they are largely alike; they’re babies after all. Yet they are loved equally, wholly and independently of each other. I cannot imagine one of my sons without the other. Since I saw them on that ultrasound screen I have loved them despite any fear I may have had. I cannot imagine a mother determining that one twin’s life was more valuable than the other and choosing to end that other child’s life. I cannot adequately explain the joy and wonder in looking down while nursing and seeing two little sets of blue eyes locked in on mine, my babies’ hands intertwined or touching one another’s faces. How could I explain that all the worries that I could have a favorite twin or that I wouldn’t have enough love to go around completely dissipated after I gave birth? God has also more than provided for these babies’ needs; they lack nothing. How then could those parents who use IVF to conceive twins be so far removed from seeing those twins as a blessing? Instead they actually see two babies as a burden and decide to kill one. In the womb where they should be safe and nourished, where they represent innocence and are entirely equal in their countenance, a parent or doctor decides to inject one of their hearts with potassium chloride until it stops beating—in a word, horrifying.

The reality is that the parents acting in such a selfish and heinous way have a lifetime to process their decision. Every time their remaining child reaches a milestone, that parent will have to wonder about the twin that could have been, that was, the child whose life they extinguished. What about these children that are missing their twin? How will they react to discovering that mom and dad chose to abort their twin rather than them due to perceived convenience, a preferred gender or just pure chance (in the case of identical twins)?

It also stands to reason that if decisions such as these are the result of “choice,” then what else will I see happening in the name of reproductive rights in my lifetime? Babies are already aborted in certain parts of the world because they are the wrong gender causing an unnatural ratio of men to women. If aborting a healthy twin is also okay, then is it alright to abort a baby because genetic testing reveals they do not have the preferred color eyes, hair or skin? I don’t think asking that is extreme. We are allowing people to take embryos, human lives, created in a petri dish and transferred into what should be the sanctity of the womb, then reverting and destroying it.

I asked my husband for his thoughts on the article and added a disclaimer that it might make him upset if he read it. His blunt response was as follows: “I have no need to read the article. I find it asinine that people in our society are so desperate to have children they pay a doctor [thousands of dollars] to become pregnant. Then by God’s grace and His blessing He gives them two children, but because of their fear, selfish desires, it does not fit into their plan, etc. (all pathetic excuses for rationalizing killing a baby), they spend more money and kill one of them so their plans are met.”

Everyday Eric and I comment at how blessed we are to have our twin boys. Would life be easier if we had only one baby? Yes. But would it be better? No. We would not have double the joy, double the smiles, double the coos and double the chubby cheeks to kiss. I get so excited thinking about the near future when we will have two little boys running around, giggling and playing with one another. While I feel indignation at those people that choose to abort one of their babies, ultimately I feel sad for them. I grieve for them. One has to be calloused and suppress a fear of God (or be godless save their own self-worship) to make such a decision. Not only will they miss the presence of their little one, the blood of that baby is on their hands; God will be their judge.

Motherhood is a Calling

Rachel Jankovic is the author of Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches.  The book was given to me as a gift shortly before the boys were born and after reading a post of hers on Desiring God, it motivates me all the more to get the book read.  To check it out, click here.

We live in a culture that has so much available to children in terms of entertainment, toys, clothing and educational resources.  Yet Ms. Jankovic is right when she discusses the general disdain for children within our society.  It's not outright disdain but can be rather subtle at times.  Children are those that take way freedom and fun.  They strip away opportunity.  Children lower quality of life.  For a Christian however children are considered an immense blessing.  For a Christian mother then, her children become one of her utmost priorities.  She delights in her children as her Heavenly Father delights in His children. 

I am in a season of life where I do not have a lot of leisurely time and unable to do activities that I enjoy.  It feels almost impossible to get my house even decently clean or to get a work out in.  My children need me.  I am not going to ignore them in order to fulfill "me" time.  My babies are my joy and the apple of my eye.  The boys have been regressing in their sleep patterns lately and it has been really hard.  When we get up in the morning however and they flash me a smile, it makes the weariness dissipate.  I have learned so much more what it is like to be patient and sanctified; I have learned so much more about my Father's love for me.  I am learning to cherish this season in my life and enjoying it more with each passing day.  Sometimes I get overwhelmed at how I can adequately nurture and love these babies, maintain and keep a household and continue to work full time but God's grace has brought me this far and I know He will continue to sustain me.  He has given me these children as an immense gift and I want to fulfill my calling.

Learning Patience

This past weekend I had plans.  Eric was gone at Riverside Youth Conference and my mom was in town helping me. I had taken a furlough and was looking forward to a three day weekend.  I was going to finally tackle the daunting task of finishing the boys' birth announcements and all the thank-you cards that needed writing.  I was going to organize closets. I was going to get the blog updated. I was going to get the boys transitioned to their cribs.  And I finished none of those tasks because I got sick.  And my mom got a migraine. So there was no real productivity because I was in the fetal position for the good portion of one day with flu like symptoms.  I should have seen the writing on the wall.  I had been feeling more run down than usual heading into the week as opposed to, you know, the standard run down feeling that a new MoM of twins feels. I was going to...

I can make plans but ultimately I am not in charge.  I am learning patience.  Everyone wants to think they are patient and then they gain an experience that really does help them grow in patience.  I was going to do lots of things with my time but ultimately it was God who directed my steps.  It involved letting go of the things that seem important but really are not.  Instead I had to rely on God's grace to take care of the boys by myself.  The boys were great which I was so thankful for.  I ended up having such a great weekend because I got to focus on every coo and smile, study their little blue eyes and pepper them with kisses. And that is what is actually important.

'In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.' Proverbs 16:9

Working Mama

So I have gone back to work within the last couple of weeks.  I was hoping to have stretched out my leave a bit longer by working at home but I learned that there is no productivity with caring for two newborns.  I am grateful that I got two months with the boys before I had to go back.  Thinking about going back to work was really hard.  Tears were shed on numerous occasions because I felt that I just couldn't it--be a loving mother and a decent employee all at the same time.  I prayed.  I prayed really hard.  I asked God to take my burden away.  And I believe my prayers were answered but not in the way I was expecting.  I wanted God to make a miracle happen in which all our finances came into place and I could stay at home.  Instead what God has done is even more amazing in some regards.  He has made it so that trying to be a good mother and working at the same time does not feel like a burden. 

Before the boys were born, I had started a blog post regarding the fear and anxiety I felt at the prospect of going back to work after the boys were born.  I never posted it because I felt like it was negative and I did not want my blog to be a forum to complain.  In reading it again, I realize it was me just being honest.  Some of the things I confessed are still worries on my mind but I am so thankful to see the progress I have made.  The following is what I wrote:

"I have been spending a lot more time in the blogosphere as of late trying to figure out how all these other parents of multiples seem to do it all.  I seem to find an overwhelming amount of stay at home moms or parents that can afford nannies while the mom works.  I would LOVE to be a stay at home mom.  I want nothing more than to see every little milestone as opposed to trying to earn a living but we depend on my income.  That income however is not enough to hire a full time nanny which is much more ideal than day care. I get really anxious and emotional when I think about having to leave my babies shortly after they are born. This is when the bad thoughts come in.  I wonder why God in His timing would allow us to have these babies now when we cannot afford to live off one income.  I find the biggest thing that helps is focusing on gratitude and thankfulness. So I force myself to think about:

• The fact that through both of us working we have more than enough to live off of.  We know that we can provide for these babies and that is a huge blessing. 
• We live in a house that is plenty big enough for these two little additions.
• We have health insurance to cover this pregnancy and delivery.  That is one less stress we have and not something to take lightly.
• Our family is ecstatic about these baby boys.  They are going to be so loved (and are very much loved already).
• We have a supportive network of family and friends that want us to succeed in this parenthood adventure.  I am confident that there will be help and encouragement along every step of the way.  
• My husband- my biggest fan and encourager.  When I start feeling overwhelmed, he is the one telling me that he knows we can do this.
• I am pregnant with twins which is a testimony to God's will in our lives.  We were not sure if we were going to be able to have children so these babies are an immense blessing.  I don't take for granted that God has given us in a spontaneous manner that which so many couples seek infertility treatment for.  I went through each phase of this pregnancy with a level of anxiousness thinking we could lose our little ones.  God is the one sustaining this pregnancy and now that I am in the third trimester I marvel at His goodness in allowing us to have these little boys.  

I would love to have a plan.  I am a huge planner by nature and so the fact that these little munchkins will be here in the next months and I am not sure what is happening is really difficult.  Quality day cares are super expensive and almost negate the value of me working.  If I knew that I could find profitable part time work or work from home then I would do it in an instant.  There has to be others in the same boat as us.  How did you survive that first year?  How do balance trying to raise your kids and spend time with them while both of you have to work? What was the decision making process? 

My fear is that I picture myself haggard and depressed with what needs to be accomplished on a daily basis as opposed to enjoying the boys' babyhood and reveling in the joy of raising them.  I want all aspects of these boys' lives to be seen as a joy and I am afraid it will feel like a burden."

God granted me the energy each day to get up, feed the boys, get them changed for the day, get myself looking presentable and actually be productive at work.  God provided a wonderful friend, a Christian mom, to watch our boys in our home part time.  He has provided a selfless mother-in-law who is willing to help and care for the boys an  additional two days a week.  God has sustained a spirit of unity and team work in mine and Eric's marriage so that we can charge forward.  God is good.