Working Mama

So I have gone back to work within the last couple of weeks.  I was hoping to have stretched out my leave a bit longer by working at home but I learned that there is no productivity with caring for two newborns.  I am grateful that I got two months with the boys before I had to go back.  Thinking about going back to work was really hard.  Tears were shed on numerous occasions because I felt that I just couldn't it--be a loving mother and a decent employee all at the same time.  I prayed.  I prayed really hard.  I asked God to take my burden away.  And I believe my prayers were answered but not in the way I was expecting.  I wanted God to make a miracle happen in which all our finances came into place and I could stay at home.  Instead what God has done is even more amazing in some regards.  He has made it so that trying to be a good mother and working at the same time does not feel like a burden. 

Before the boys were born, I had started a blog post regarding the fear and anxiety I felt at the prospect of going back to work after the boys were born.  I never posted it because I felt like it was negative and I did not want my blog to be a forum to complain.  In reading it again, I realize it was me just being honest.  Some of the things I confessed are still worries on my mind but I am so thankful to see the progress I have made.  The following is what I wrote:

"I have been spending a lot more time in the blogosphere as of late trying to figure out how all these other parents of multiples seem to do it all.  I seem to find an overwhelming amount of stay at home moms or parents that can afford nannies while the mom works.  I would LOVE to be a stay at home mom.  I want nothing more than to see every little milestone as opposed to trying to earn a living but we depend on my income.  That income however is not enough to hire a full time nanny which is much more ideal than day care. I get really anxious and emotional when I think about having to leave my babies shortly after they are born. This is when the bad thoughts come in.  I wonder why God in His timing would allow us to have these babies now when we cannot afford to live off one income.  I find the biggest thing that helps is focusing on gratitude and thankfulness. So I force myself to think about:

• The fact that through both of us working we have more than enough to live off of.  We know that we can provide for these babies and that is a huge blessing. 
• We live in a house that is plenty big enough for these two little additions.
• We have health insurance to cover this pregnancy and delivery.  That is one less stress we have and not something to take lightly.
• Our family is ecstatic about these baby boys.  They are going to be so loved (and are very much loved already).
• We have a supportive network of family and friends that want us to succeed in this parenthood adventure.  I am confident that there will be help and encouragement along every step of the way.  
• My husband- my biggest fan and encourager.  When I start feeling overwhelmed, he is the one telling me that he knows we can do this.
• I am pregnant with twins which is a testimony to God's will in our lives.  We were not sure if we were going to be able to have children so these babies are an immense blessing.  I don't take for granted that God has given us in a spontaneous manner that which so many couples seek infertility treatment for.  I went through each phase of this pregnancy with a level of anxiousness thinking we could lose our little ones.  God is the one sustaining this pregnancy and now that I am in the third trimester I marvel at His goodness in allowing us to have these little boys.  

I would love to have a plan.  I am a huge planner by nature and so the fact that these little munchkins will be here in the next months and I am not sure what is happening is really difficult.  Quality day cares are super expensive and almost negate the value of me working.  If I knew that I could find profitable part time work or work from home then I would do it in an instant.  There has to be others in the same boat as us.  How did you survive that first year?  How do balance trying to raise your kids and spend time with them while both of you have to work? What was the decision making process? 

My fear is that I picture myself haggard and depressed with what needs to be accomplished on a daily basis as opposed to enjoying the boys' babyhood and reveling in the joy of raising them.  I want all aspects of these boys' lives to be seen as a joy and I am afraid it will feel like a burden."

God granted me the energy each day to get up, feed the boys, get them changed for the day, get myself looking presentable and actually be productive at work.  God provided a wonderful friend, a Christian mom, to watch our boys in our home part time.  He has provided a selfless mother-in-law who is willing to help and care for the boys an  additional two days a week.  God has sustained a spirit of unity and team work in mine and Eric's marriage so that we can charge forward.  God is good.